Monday was the first time in 22 years I thought about not being a teacher. The year 2000 was my first year of teaching, and I was so unprepared to be a teacher — and consequently soooooo bad at it — that I’m shocked I stayed in the profession. As I got better and better at teaching — specifically, at teaching math and especially teaching students who hate math — I felt really successful and I’ve loved being a teacher ever since then. In fact, I would say that “teacher” is the absolute core of my identity, even more so than my identity as “father” because I see fatherhood as a subset of teaching (just with 2 permanent students). So it really shook me up Monday when I realized I had been thinking — albeit briefly — that the profession might have evolved beyond my abilities.
For the last third of the 2019-2020 school year, we taught in triage. Our communities, our nation, and our entire world were hurting. We all did the best we could. We were just trying to survive. Along with health care professionals, teachers (momentarily) achieved a small bit of status as Americans saw our contribution to society first-hand.
The 2020-2021 school year was filled with constant shrapnel and land mines, as we navigated: an incredibly contentious election, the spread of disinformation (and the refusal of platforms to handle propaganda meaningfully), hundreds of thousands of dead loved ones (and millions more afflicted with Long COVID), families struggling to make ends meet, and a national reckoning of our historical treatment of black Americans in the wake of the George Floyd murder (this reckoning was not resolved). The contentiousness did not evade schooling. Teaching and learning over Zoom was soul-crushing. Hybrid teaching was in many ways worse. Some parents were scared. Many more were angry. Conditions drove many from the profession. Everyone knew that school wasn’t working. EVERYONE had an opinion about what schools should do. The students were caught in the middle.
In contrast, the 2021-2022 school year was a reason for optimism because everyone — students and teachers — was so excited to be back in the classroom. It was definitely a tough year, but we all knew that it would be and we set our expectations accordingly. The joy of being back in person helped many of us survive the year.
We are now a quarter of the way through the 2022-2023 school year. I never thought that this year would mark return to “normal”, however, I didn’t expect things to get worse. For some students/teachers, the novelty of schooling in person lasted for a whole year. I was one of those people. I missed in-person teaching so much that I was able to look past the challenges. I can’t do that any more. The students definitely can’t do that any more.
Things are worse than last year.
I still see staggering learning loss in my math classes (while the state of American math learning was not great before COVID, it is brutal in 2022). I feel like talking about content is inappropriate right now because the students are so… different. They are not like they were before. I’ve always had students struggle to turn in assignments. But never this many. I’ve always had a small handful of students who requested to not be called on in class. But not at this scale. I’ve always had the occasional student show up in tears and request to go to Guidance. But not this regularly.
I’ve never had so many students with debilitating anxiety disorders. I’ve never had so many non-verbal students. I’ve never seen phone addiction as severe as it is now.
I’ve never had so many parents call their child IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS. And, yes — I know that students often say their parent is calling when their parent is not actually calling — but there are so many times when I know it’s real because the students look so panicked (I asked a class recently how they felt when their parents call them during class, and they universally hated it). They have spent so much of their adolescent years caged up (either physically or metaphorically). They crave freedom, and yet — when they get it — the anxiety kicks in because they have so little experience with freedom.
They are fragile. They need help. The system is not able to help them. Not even close.
I want to help them.
But I don’t feel qualified.
I feel qualified to teach them math content. I feel qualified to teach them six ways they can self-advocate in my class. I feel qualified to teach them interpersonal skills like how to be a part of a successful group even when one of their group members is riding the coat tails of the rest of the group. I feel qualified to teach them manners, soft skills, academic non-math skills, writing skills, literacy skills, financial literacy skills — all of it. I even feel qualified to teach problem-solving skills even though it’s freaking invisible and so hard to learn.
But I do not feel qualified to help my students now. Their needs are far beyond my abilities. They need love and support, and I can give them that, but they need so much more. My seniors were basically locked in their rooms for a year as freshmen and sophomores. As juniors, they tepidly ventured back to school in what must have felt like the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. So many of them struggle to connect with their peers. They are so quick to reach for their phones at the first impulse of discomfort. And now as seniors, they know that they’re on the precipice of adulthood… and they are terrified. They have to live with the daily reality of school shootings. They live with the existential threat of climate change. And perhaps worst of all, they are growing up in a country that is ripping itself in half, that can’t even agree on basic truths, in a society that’s so broken it might not even matter if climate change does end human life on the planet.
How can they be expected to learn math when this is their world? How can I be expected to teach them?
I am not giving up. I will do my best. I don’t want to retire when I’m at retirement age. For years, I’ve wanted to teach well into the late years of my life. But that was back when I felt like I had the skills to help students learn math and everything else that schools teach.
What’s needed now, though, is something else entirely.
